Saturday, September 19, 2009

Sheeeee's BACK!

I'm finally feeling like ME again!!!!!!! I've pretty much had two months of hell. I've never felt so so so crap in my life. I seriously wanted to jump off a bridge. (Be careful what you wish for though - I was invited last week to take part in a charity fundraiser - dressing up crazy and... jumping off our CBD bridge...!)

From being shit-hot (in my head at least!) at comp with all the focus and hardcore training and dieting, to having surgery and not being able to train, and of course eating whatever the hell I felt like because I can, I went off the rails. I looked in the mirror a few weeks post comp and op and I was FAT. I cried and cried and cried, it seemed to happen overnight. I gained 6kgs - I weighed in at 45kgs at the All Fems. For crying out loud, 51kgs IS NOT FAT but it was so hard to accept and I loathed how I felt. I hated the flabby, wobbly, soft body I was living in, having been lean, hard and muscular all year. I'm still 'dealing' with it, but it will take time. I also knew it was my own fault, but I felt so helpless to fix it.

I couldn't do, or chose not to do any impact cardio or weight training until I had the all clear from my surgeon. I'm looking after these babies, I'm not going to do anything to affect the healing. I attempted power walks, which bored the everythings outta me. Couple of spin classes, but there was no structure. Food was my focus and now that I wasn't on a strict comp diet, I could have a few drinkies again. I LOVE to socialise, I love to meet people and have FUN.

My bestie from the Gold Coast came up for a weekend, I was in my element - I had a friend!! Had the bestest weekend........... then she left. I went through a major depressive patch. I was so so so sooooooooooooooo lonely again. It made me realise just how much I need my friends in my life.

I did hit rock-bottom, I really really found a dark place that I never knew existed. I hated the unmotivated, depressed, sad, unpassionate person I'd become, but I had no idea how to get out. I knew I was in trouble when my family and friends started to worry. And my staff members - I thought I carried myself well but they can see straight through me. I simply had to claw myself back out, there was no other option.

So it was good timing that I had a quick overnighter in Brisbane last week with my mummy, we have SO much fun together -she is my bestest friend!! I shouted her as she's done absolutely everything for me this year :) I was there to have my post-op consult with my surgeon, but really it was a great excuse to do some shopping.

After getting the all clear, I snuck back to the gym, trying to avoid everyone. Yea right. Everyone had noticed I'd been away.

After 7 weeks of no heavy training I've been in a world of pain. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it though, I've missed that feeling. I had my first PT smashing on Thursday and I was so smashed I walked out in a daze and forgot to pay. How embarassing!!

And who would have thought doing chest presses with FIVE kg dumbbells could hurt so much. Oh.My.God - I've never been so sore! My ego copped a hiding.

I've also been getting out of my comfort zone and doing stuff alone. I was once a sooky-la-la that would do nothing without a friend, but now I'm going to places that I've been invited to by someone who knows someone, and I'm having the bestest time! I had a whole heap of fun going to a show last Saturday night that I'd never even think of going to 'normally', and managed to find myself four new clients in the process! Hows that for 'networking'. LOL

For the first time all year, I'm finding out what my new 'normal' is. From coming out of a looong-term relationship to overseas then straight into the strictness of comp prep and not socialising then finding my own place then comp finishes then surgery happens, then I 'retire' as a PT... it's been so FULL-ON, I didn't really know what I wanted or who I was with all the other normality that was previously my life, having ended.

It's been the little things - taking all my supplements, getting lots of water in, and some form of training every single day that's gotten me back on track.

I have a friend who I'm staying accountable to with mini-goals, and today I'm happy to say I smashed my Saturday goal just by eating properly and training again. It's always a work in progress, as long as I keep my body active and healthy my mind is clear too. That's all I'm worried about for now.

I know I'll crash again, BUT I've learnt no matter how many times I fall, I will keep on getting up.

I've learnt when my training is on track and I'm feeling good about ME, my life feels on track and most importantly I'm happy and someone you'd WANT to hang out with! :) Those happy endorphins are good little things aren't they!

So girls - who wants to come up to QLD for a holiday :) I can supply all the essentials - accommodation, transport, gym, fridge. And the weather is awesome right now!! (Jeh??) ;)


chevy hire cars said...

Hi, just wondering how your surgery was with your 'babies' as I am due to get mine done early next year and sort of freaking out!

sarahz said...

whoops I was signed in under my hubbys blogger name I don't want you to think some guy is asking you about your surgery!

sarahz said...

whoops I was signed in under my hubbys blogger name I don't want you to think some guy is asking you about your surgery!

Stephanie Davis said...

you are such an awesome chick Selina, so honest and mature- i can just tell by the way you write about your feelings that you'll always come out of difficult experiences a stronger person. Steph x

ss2306 said...

You got vodka?

Anyone who says they don't go through this post comp is full of shit. It's just the degree that varies. I think you've done marvellously. Keep up the great work chicky.

Jadey said...

I sooo know what you are talking about gorgeous, I am just starting to feel normal and on track again. Although I have my moments! Comp weight is such a wonderful time but it's hard to maintain (for me anyway) and I'm not even as lean as a figure gal! Although I work as hard to get there. I know that in the coming months, I will find a NORM for me and love who I am! In the meantime, just love the weather and love yourself gorgeous, I bet you still look HOT to trot right now, just a different NORM for you compared to comp! You are gorgeous! Jadey xxx

Jehanne said...

I'm coming.............. I hope........ gotta see if I can get some flights - I would absolutely love love love to come over! Might hop on line right now infact and have a look at webjet! luv you xoxo

LizN said...

Hey Selina,
Thank you for blogging so honestly. Everyone goes through something post comp and it sounds like everything is coming together now.

Big hugs

Cherub said...

Tough times behind - good times ahead. Keep looking forward.

Ann said...

You are such an inspiration to me!! Reading about what you are going through shows that we all have ups and downs...and we just gotta keep on moving and re-focusing on the new direction we are choosing - the key is that we are strong, independant women and whatever we want we can CHOOSE to acheive!! Thanks for being an inspiration to me!