Saturday, February 07, 2009

"We're Spinning Around...

...We're up and we're down, we're taking a ride on the Merry-Go-Round". Does anyone else know that song from their childhood? It was a record by the Smurfs that my grandpa played for us when we went to visit. Oh to be a child again, things were so simple.

That's how my week has gone. Yet again. Who needs to go to a carnival to go for a ride, come step in my shoes for a week - my life is currently a roller coaster, a merry-go-round AND a haunted house all in one :(

I'm having a 'low' day today. It just keeps changing.

Nearly every day this week I've found out more stuff...

The silly mistake HE has made is that, being in the position I am, I know a LOT of people, and I know people who know people, and I know that I am respected by a lot of people. I've dealt with MANY clients over 5 years... AND it's a small town... he's actually a FOOL to think he'd ever get away with the things he has - OK, I'll give him credit for the fact that he is a deceiptful, lying bastard, and he did it EFFING well and he did get away with it, for a while.

Wednesday was the fact that my friend saw him snogging her, back in August, while I was out with her. That made me ANGRY, not sad.

Thursday I trained a friend, I'll call her A. She was speaking to someone, person B, who told her about a friend of hers who had just broken up with his girlfriend. It didn't take long for A to put 2 and 2 together and realise that the couple B was talking about was me and him. Person B is someone that HE wasn't that good of friends with, in fact her husband intimidated HIM a bit... But I found out that HE had told B about his problems - how effing nice of him when I didn't even realise that I was a problem.

"I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years, and I'm expected to propose to her, but I've got feelings for another girl who I've been contacting" Remember SHE moved to Brisbane in November.
(I just LOVE how he said "EXPECTED to propose". Ok, let's dissect this, HE was ready to marry me before I was even ready to consider it. HE only said to me middle of last year "I'm really ready to settle down now". HE told me what sort of ring he was looking at, HE told me who he wanted in the bridal party. He led ME, his family, MY family, our friends to believe that we were going to get married, because HE TALKED ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. Yet he was EXPECTED to?!?!?!?!? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR)

Person B said to him "you obviously have loved her to be with her for 4 years, you need to STOP contacting this other girl". I know for a fact that his discussion took place on New Year's Eve.... he was very very weird to me that night, very distant and vacant. I just thought it was another mood. I had no idea what he was really thinking. She must have laid it on the line and made him realise the other girl has got to go.

Five days later, we were over. :(

Person B also said to A, "I don't know how she put up with him for that long anyway, he's a bit of a loser".

I actually felt sorry for him then, these are people he's tried so hard to fit in with over the past year, and they don't think that much of him anyway. Person B doesn't owe me anything, I have met her a few times, but I was never really in with that crowd, I was just his girlfriend. Then I thought, "well EFF him, I have no need to feel sorry for him after all he's put me through".

So after all that I actually almost had to laugh at how pathetic it's all become. I was patheticised (that's a new word OK) at him. I felt powerful again.

But the weekend hits... Late Friday afternoon, as I was settling in for the night, I felt really really sad and alone. My usual ritual was to spend it with him... that will never ever happen again. But it's so hard knowing he's just around the corner, literally 400m from me. I went to a seminar with my mum last night, so at least I was out of the house.

This morning I had an email from him. I shot one to him on Thursday (this is the ONLY contact we've had in weeks), I had to mail him as the bastard owes me money which he said he would be paying this week. I told him to hurry it along. I was pleasant in the email, coz I want my bloody money. I finished it with "I hope you're doing well".

I got the response this morning... "Hey I've done it now, rah rah rah. I hope your doing well". It was a normal email. We spoke 3-4 times per day, and emailed a few times as well when we were together. It felt all normal. He was talking to me normally. That ache came back, that dull, painful ache.

What do I want to reply:

"Well I haven't killed myself, so I guess that's a start. I'M NOT FUCKING OK, I MAY NEVER BE AGAIN. I DON'T UNDERSTAND, I DON'T UNDERSTAND A THING.

And if you REALLY cared how I was doing, you would have asked before now. Do you want me to say that I am absolutely heartbroken and a mess? Will that make you feel good and feed your ego, or will it make you feel GUILTY? Highly unlikely as you've NEVER EVER cared about anyone other than yourself and your dick.

I don't understand and am disgusted at how a human being could treat another human being like that. I don't understand how you could be such a lying, deceiptful person, and a fucking good one at it as well. I cannot believe I NEVER saw through your lies and bullshit - I trusted you SOOO much - you are the BEST liar I've EVER come across.

Am I over it? What the HELL do you think? You had at least SIX months head-start on me... you were over me while you were still with me. All the time LYING about a future you knew damn well was never going to happen. How can you literally PLAY with someone's life like that.

I don't understand how I could so easily literally be 'replaced'. I don't understand that you could tell girlfriend #2 in advance that she was about to be promoted to girlfriend #1 without ME, - the girl YOU still told you loved every single day - even knowing that she was such a "problem".

You think you've gotten away with everything, but it's all coming back to me. Some people think you're SCUM, and you'd be surprised at which 'friends' of yours are included in that.

You know how you so calmly told me that some random chick came up to your footy mate that night we were out and said "You play for *insert club here* don't you? I effing hate those players, they think they can treat women like shit and get away with it". Do you realise that YOU are the WORST offender of them all?? YOU had the faithful long-term girlfriend of four years who you fucked around on... Are you PROUD of the reputation you have earnt yourself???"

There's so much more I'd like to say. I know I can't email that back. That's what I want to say, and I've said it now. It feels good, he just won't be reading it. I've got the money he owed - even if it was out of spite, I was going to get my money - I will return to zero contact with him now.

I've been told that no matter how much I'm hurting, I CANNOT let him know that. I have to go on being happy and making him think that I'm doing fine without him. No man likes a girl who is needy and pathetic, it just makes them realise that it was a good thing to get rid of them. Well that's what I've been told by a male :)

The thing is, and the thing I need to get over is, if he sees me moping around, it's not going to make him feel guilty like I wish it would. He just DOES NOT care. He doesn't give a shit about me in any way, shape or form, and I need to GET that into my thick head.

I have to LET GO of needing him to understand just how much he has hurt me, because he will NEVER EVER get it, and he simply doesn't care anyway. (thanks Lyndz for that quote).

Congratulations if you've read this far. I may sound like a broken record, I may sound pathetic and stupid, I may sound like I'm not even trying to get over it by talking about it all the time, but I've said all along, this is my place to get whatever the hell I want out, and NO ONE is making you read this. I know I've got at least 5 readers who have contacted me via a comment or privately, who have been through the same thing - you girls will know exactly these feelings. I hope you too, have or are finding an outlet for your grief - maybe not so publicly, but in some way, as bottling feelings up really does not help.

Over and Out.

9 comments:

Ronnie said...

elina, for a girl that rarely said fuck...I like the way you say it. :-)


Every day i wake up and wonder how your doing and if you don't post for a couple of days I worry.

That was a good vent for you and the best place to do it.

One thing to remember is that he will never change. He will do it again. He is a moron. A total fuckwit to have treated you like he has and it will only be a matter of time before people start saying to 'her' that she is nuts to be with him and doesn't she know what he did to his last girlfriend. which of course she does. I bet she won't be happy to give him his football space cause she knows what goes on at those weekends.

What a fucking tool he is.

Ronnie said...

elina, for a girl that rarely said fuck...I like the way you say it. :-)


Every day i wake up and wonder how your doing and if you don't post for a couple of days I worry.

That was a good vent for you and the best place to do it.

One thing to remember is that he will never change. He will do it again. He is a moron. A total fuckwit to have treated you like he has and it will only be a matter of time before people start saying to 'her' that she is nuts to be with him and doesn't she know what he did to his last girlfriend. which of course she does. I bet she won't be happy to give him his football space cause she knows what goes on at those weekends.

What a fucking tool he is.

Kristy said...

It's your blog Selina and you can write whatever you wish, especially since it may help you overcome it.

When one of my exes broke up with me, I said "OK".

He said what. I said ok and goodbye calmly and went inside and left him to leave. He was very shocked as I remained so calm (I knew he was stressed as he gave me a hug and his heart was beating very fast).

I think that was the best thing I could of done pretended like I didn't care he had just broken my heart.

As soon as I got inside I burst into tears, but he didn't see that.

You are doing the right thing Selina and it must be so tough living in such a small town...

Feel free to email me anytime you need a chat.

Shar said...

Keep plodding along Selina.
Write what you want on here, as you said, people don't have to read.
I love what Kristy wrote about remaining calm and not allowing him to see it, that will shock him more than anything and you wont be feeding his ego.

Shar x

Kerry said...

I made it to the bottom Selina and for what it's worth I think getting it all off your chest is the absolute best thing you can do for your mental health.

Don't stop.

Thinking of you all the time,

Kerry
xxx

Lia Halsall said...

You're doing the very best you can and that's all you can expect from yourself Selina. Unfortunately there's no manual on how to deal with a broken heart so you have to figure it out as you go along. Grieving is exactly the same too.

We're here to listen and support you in any way that we can. Here's hoping tomorrow is a little bit brighter for you, god knows you deserve it to be.

Lia xxx

Doris's BEHAG journey said...

Hey Chicki, yep, this is your blog and you say what you want. You know I experienced an anomynous person leaving me a commen, t on mine about what I write, I really felt like saying "F! U, I am not making you read this, so why leave such a comment" I believe writing helps me more than talking, so thats what I do. And if it gives you a helping hand, you just do it too.

Kek said...

Hey Sweetie, nobody thinks you're pathetic or stupid, you're just hurting and trying to work through all this crap.

You'll keep having good days and bad ones for a while, but the good ones will eventually outnumber the bad. Just hang in there.

Carolyn said...

Hey Selina,
It was great to chat the other night. I join the group here that don't think you are being anything other than completely NORMAL. Ups and downs of emotions are going to happen. Only thing I believe though is that over time, the peaks and troughs will eventually smooth out.
So, until then, NO, you don't sound like a broken record. You go for it on here at much as you like! We're all here for support, cheering you on!
Have a great Sunday,
Scary Lady xxx