What Goes Up, Must Come Down

Golly gosh, on reading my last post, I was on a huge high wasn't I?! After getting over the awesomeness of the long weekend and coming back to reality, the rollercoaster ride continues. I've started not sleeping again... GRRRR. I struggle to get to sleep although I'm exhausted, then he invades my dreams and I wake up about 4am and don't really get back to sleep. BUT, it's been FIVE days since my last cry. Doing good huh! ;) I've definitely reached the turning point and it's pure ANGER and RAGE I feel now :)

I've been using all that anger as a positive thing - and absolutely SMASHING my work-outs. I'm SOOO BLOODY SORE - from the 4 week break and a new EVIL program. That woman is just nasty. It's effing tough, but I LOVE IT! It's amazing what you can do when there's so much negative energy in your body...

I also did my comeback RPM on Thursday. A week off RPM kills me, so you can only imagine... but again I used all that anger and ripped into it. My heart rate was 170 by the second track... oops :) But I'm loving my body being a whole heap of sore, nothing better :)

I have to get all RPM'd up coz in two weeks I'll be attending the above mentioned evil woman's class in Brisvegas!!!!!!! YEEEHA!!! I was due to fly to Brisbane last fight out on Saturday 14th Feb, so I could spend the day with the f*ckwit, but I changed it to the Friday nite so I could give my body some Valentine's loving by smashing it in RPM, then catching up with the boss after it :) I'm so excited!! Who else will be going that day?! Would love to catch up with anyone and everyone?!? YAY!

I have to go back to work next week :( I've finished my 'stress leave' or 'bereavement leave' or 'renovating my life leave' ;) I haven't actually worked this year yet, how funny does that sound! I've been soooo freaking busy though, I don't have time to work!! LoL. I've got three new clients on Monday alone along with my regulars so my time-management is going to be tested :)

I'll leave you with my favouritest PINK song in the world, which I have been SCREAMING, along with the other applicable tune - "SO WHAT!" Funhouse is the BEST album... I so can't wait for the concert. For those who know the song, go on, scream it out loud - it'll make you feel good, I promise! ;)

"This is How It Goes Down"

(lyrics from metrolyrics.com)

(GRRRR it's not letting me put spaces between paragraphs!!!!!!!)

I hear my name

I hear the trash you're talking

In your sleep

The secrets that you're keeping

A chick, this smart

Did you really think that you could keep her in the dark?

Does she purr?

Does she make it hard?

Hard to speak

Does she dress the part?

I'm sure she'll take some getting used to

Darlin, she won't ever be me

I felt the bite Take a spit

Suck the poison out of me

I'll make you beg

Make you come

To your senses

If you keep up the shit

Take the hit

Dig the grave

This is how it goes down

This is how it goes down

Gonna run Gonna scream

Gonna crawl round on your knees

When you realize that no one's gonna measure up to me

Doesn't matter cause I'm over it now

This is how it goes down

This is how it goes down

I'm gonna rage

Stay out really late

I'm gonna hang with all my friends you hate

I may try that threesome

Better late than never and

Better without you

This is your future as I see it

You will be homeless, poor, and broken

She will have left you when she finds out who you are

You're nothing but an extra,

and baby I'm the star

I felt the bite Take a spit

Suck the poison out of me

I'll make you beg

Make you come

To your senses

If you keep up the shit

Take the hit

Dig the grave

This is how it goes down

This is how it goes down

Gonna run Gonna scream

Gonna crawl round on your knees

When you realize that no one's gonna measure up to me

Doesn't matter cause I'm over it now

This is how it goes down

This is how it goes down

(Rap)

I felt the bite Take a spit

Suck the poison out of me

I'll make you beg

Make you come

To your senses

If you keep up the shit

Take the hit

Dig the grave

This is how it goes down

This is how it goes down

Gonna run Gonna scream

Gonna crawl round on your knees

When you realize that no one's gonna measure up to me

Doesn't matter cause I'm over it now

This is how it goes down

This is how it goes down

Somebody doesn't like you

Cause you're not such a bigshot dude

Might wanna rethink it through

Coulda asked me,

I woulda told you the truth

Somebody doesn't like you

Cause you're not such a bigshot dude

Might wanna rethink it through

Shoulda asked me,

I woulda told you the truth

(A few weeks ago when things were 'normal' I screamed this song out when I was in the car with him. I wonder what was going through his head................................................?)

Onward and Upward Baby!!!!!!!!!!

I'm in a really good place right now :) Chances are that will come crumbling back down, but with each day I've healed a little bit more and each day I'm one day stronger!!

I had THE MOST AWESOME weekend!!!!!!! I love my bestie on the Gold Coast, and her roomie who is now my new other best friend (lol) - they certainly know how to make someone have a good time. I've spent more of this year down there, than up here. Oops :P

I flew out on Saturday and took it easy - after our daily spa session, we had a girlie night in and watched a DVD. Sunday was the Beach Cricket finals!! Yay for free tickets!!! We got all Aussied-up - shirt, hats and wigs. We had a great time until it POURED down. Even our bright yellow rain ponchos (yes, very organised!) couldn't save us, so we called it a day. Still got to see a bit and experience the atmosphere. Sunday night was another quiet one in.

Monday was THE best day ever!! A totally AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OI OI OI DAY!!! We started by walking to Kirra Beach for the Save Kirra Paddle-Out thingy... there were SO many people! I thought I was just top-sh!t with my surfboard (not that I know how to even kneel on one... YET). There were well over 1000 boards out there and we made the shape of Australia in the water. Not sure how well it went... it was chaos out there! I did good though, I only crashed into one person ;) We also got interviewed for the TV! We had our green and gold wigs on again and our hats, and our Aussie togs and a kazillion stick-on Aussie tattoos. (On a side-note, that was the first time EVER EVER in my life that I have gone to the beach and not worn board shorts! OMG, it was soooo liberating!!!) I was such a smart cookie and put suncream all over my front and back, except from the waist down. And here I was floating on the board on my stomache for an hour in the middle of the day. I am raw raw raw red, I think my upper legs/butt may blister... BUT it was SO MUCH FUN!

YAY for Aussie Day!!! From lunch we had the traditional Triple J Countdown party. Where they live is a secure apartment block complete with pool, spa, and BBQ area. We had heaps of people over and had a ball. Played Aussie games, had a BBQ, and drank some bevvies. I couldn't handle the pressure and had an arvo kip ;) Such an animal aren't I! Went to the surfclub later that night and partied on, then to another venue. Had a ball dancing to all the Aussie songs, everyone was in a great mood, it was SUCH a fun day!

(Another side note - I got a phone call from HIM on Monday night, I was messaging a friend when he rang and I bloody accidentally answered it... GRRRR. Yet another slap in the face - he spent the weekend in Brisbane with HER. She's swept on in like a bloody seagull and just replaced me. His life goes on as normal, there's been no change for him, just a younger model. Worst part is, I was replaced before I even knew there was an 'issue' :~( She's young with her life in front of her, of all the men, why did she have to take mine away from me and choose MY boyfriend to get her sticky hands into... SCUM STICKS TO SCUM BABY!!!!!!!!! Ok rant over.)

So I was a bit shaken up after that, but I snapped out of it. What's the other option!? One thing I recall is my lil bro saying "Only you can make you happy. People can say stuff to cheer you up, but ONLY YOU can change your mood and make yourself happy." Love you bro!!! :)

So happy dance I did :) I just LOVE the lifestyle down on the Goldie :) If I didn't have my business I would be back down there, no question. The gorgeous Lyndsay and I became very close friends when I used to live down there, we had so much fun 'trying' to surf and just hanging. I loved my life down there!

Back to the weekend - Tuesday was back to reality - I had to fly home :(

Today I went to work and did crap. There's always crap to do. Had a SMASHING gym session, I swear I won't be able to type tomorrow. Best way to end it was receiving a phone call from Kerryn on the way home! YAY!! Was so good to speak to her again :)

So basically, on the weekend I had a SO MUCH FUN! There's nothing better than some awesome girlfriends to help you realise that the world is far from over. :) I love them to death.

Some new goals this year:

Learn to surf!!!!!!! - lucky my brother is a surf-nerd. We have zero waves here but if I can at least kneel on it to begin, that's a start right!

Go to the beach more often!!! - and swim (I have always hated not being able to see the bottom with all the creatures up here), and oh my lordy - swim without board shorts!

HAVE FUN!!!!!! - Life is waaaay to short to worry about SCUM BAGS! (I think I posted something like this about a month ago) ;)

So next for me - I need the carrots dangling in front of me - would you believe it's only TWO WEEKS on Sunday that I'm off to BALI!!!!!!!! My golly gosh that's come fast! I'm going with the same 2 girls and another of their friends, it will be freaking awesome!! As we're going for our birthdays, but we all aren't there on the exact date of, we get to pick a 'day' as ours. My friend has chosen White-Water Rafting, guess what I'm doing - SURFING!!!!!!!! Can't go to Bali and not (attempt to) surf, my brother would KILL ME!!!

So although I'm still hurting bad, I'm focusing on the good stuff in my life - my health, my family and my friends who mean the world to me - and of course to all my blog buddies, thank you AGAIN for all your support and kind words. It all does help :) I will get round to everyone's blog to say thanks - when I'm in town long enough to sit down ;)

EEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! My life is exciting right now!!!

:)))

Weird...

Today is Friday nite. The first Friday nite that he and I are both in the same town but not together. Friday nites were always spent together, just bumming at 'our' house...

I reached a turning point today - I think I've reached the next stage, the hatred stage! WHOOO BLOODY HOOO!! About time. The quote I posted last night that my friend sent me really hit the nail on the head. Along with my other favourite:

"Rejection is a form of protection"

So I am blessed. Instead of thinking this is the worst thing in the world to happen to me, I am seeing it the other way - it's the best thing in the world that's happened to me. I know there is someone out there that's PERFECT for me, and no one will EVER treat me like shit again :)

So peeps, unless there's any juicy installments that I just have to get off my chest so to speak, there will be not too much more waffling about my sad, sorry life.

I'm SO excited though - I'm flying off the the Gold Coast again tomorrow for the long weekend. My sis and her hubby and HIM and I were going up to Airlie this long weekend for a reef trip, there was no way I was staying at home and wallowing... Got heaps planned, it's going to be great!! On Sunday we've got freebie tix to the Beach Cricket finals, and Monday is BBQ and JJJ countdown in the pool!! WHOO HOOO!! I've got my whole outfit organised, complete with green and gold wig. I'll be sure to get happy snaps!!

I also made the big step of hiring another staff member today. She was SO excited to be given a chance! There is nothing better than seeing someone so passionate about their job - it shows in their work and clients can see it as well. So all's going well there, the changes I planned to implement this year have happened a little bit sooner than expected due to my unfortunate, unforseen circumstance, but that's a good thing.

Here's a pic of two of the dearest people in my life :) Me with my lil sis and bro. He went through a devastating break-up in October (luckily for him there was no cheating), and every bit of advice I gave to him as a big sister, he threw right back at me. SO much easier said than done. My now ex was also his go-to man and helped him get over it... jerk. When he found out what had happened between HIM and I, my bro said (and this is his words) "Bull F*cking Shit" LoL!! Gotta laugh at that now, but that's the shock that everyone experienced!

This pic was taken on 27th December when we all went out as our cousin was back in town. The little skank was also back in town and as Rob and I were friends with her (I obviously had NO freaking idea just what kind of friends they were) she came out with us as well. The trashbag hung out with us all night, had the nerve to sit there and talk to me like we were best friends, her and HIM had a silly dance which I laughed at in fun, and she even told me that me and him were more than welcome to stay with her when we went to Brisbane. The F*CKING NERVE of her! What did she expect?

Ok, so there goes not talking about it anymore.... Can you tell I'm a loooong way from being over it. Can you tell I'm BITTER?!

Best friends always know the right thing to say - she said "At least you looked hot that night!" :) HA!! Gotta love her :)

As expected I'm in a world of muscular pain today. I can hardly lift my arms. My legs will be screaming tomorrow. Never let me go through a break-up again, it ruins my training :P

From a Friend

There comes a point in life when you realise

who matters, who never did,

who won't anymore and who always will.

So don't worry about people from your past.

There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future!

Continued...

Here's the next installment of the life and tragedies of me. I may as well continue my story, as I'm sure you're all holding your breathe for it (not), plus it's for my records, and once I'm healed I have a record of all the processes I've been though and how far I've come.

On Saturday my sis and I went out for pampering which she arranged - acrylic nails, a pedicure and make-up done. Unfortunately I was having an extremely down and depressed day, and I was really low low low. We went out that nite for her hubby's birthday, and I learnt a lesson. Alcohol does not drown your sorrows, you only feel worse. Why would an already depressed person drink a depressant. There were too many memories everywhere I went, but the worst part was seeing the brother of the girl that HE was with. Family friend, known them forever, he has no idea what's happened (but he will I'm sure, small town), and when I saw my brother talking to him, I literally burst into tears. I've suddenly grown a switch in me, that I can just cry at the drop of a hat. As I was so upset, my sister got upset - she's cried everytime I've cried. All us siblings feel each other's pain. The other people with us had no freaking idea what was going on. Anyway, although I felt HOT with my new everythings, and new clothes on, it was a horrible night.

On Monday I got the bombshell. HIS brother's fiancee (and my good friend) sent me an email saying how sorry she was and she had only just found out (2 weeks on mind you...) and that she and his brother were disgusted in him and that I can do so much better. His brother can't even look at him the same way - and that's saying something, they're close. I replied to her that I don't know what reasons he's saying we broke up but they weren't good ones. I didn't go into any detail, I'm not trying to make people take sides as such. She wrote back and said that he didn't tell them we broke up, or the reason. Only that their mum had told them that HE was now seeing this M(her name) chick now, and had been for awhile. As I read it, another instant switch of waterworks. It was a f*cking slap in the face. (a) that he IS actually seeing her now, I seriously can't believe it as she's trash - but I guess so is he and (b) that he has even had the nerve to use her name and tell his parents so soon. It's like me and him never happened. I was devastated. I know him though, and I know it won't last, it's simply someone to keep his mind off what was 'us'. The line he always used was "nothing like the next one to get over the last one". That kills me.

Anyway, I had to go over to 'our' house on Monday to get more stuff I'd left. I couldn't have my stuff there lingering. I needed closure of some sort. It was 2 weeks to the day since it all happened in the same place. He only arrived home from the GC Monday, so it was the first day for both of us together in familiar territory. I had to ask things, to understand, although I still don't and probably never will. We both ended up asolutely bawling. He was such a mess. It was horrible... I knew that was the last time I'd ever set foot in 'our' house. He hugged me so hard, it was so hard to leave, it was just the worst thing I've ever had to do.

So to say I've had a shit of a week is an understatement. I'm on a constant rollercoaster. I feel so strong and that I don't need him, then I crumble and cry and cry and don't want to be without him. He was the one that made me feel safe and protected. He was also the one that lied and cheated and disrespected me to the lowest degree. I asked him if SHE knew that he was going to end it with me, and he said he told her. And the most humiliating thing is that I know she went and told all her little friends. HOW DARE HE tell ANYONE that he was going to break up with the girl he wanted to marry, without her even knowing there was a problem in first place. HOW FUCKING DARE HE. GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

*breathe breath* OK, I actually didn't come here to ramble too much about that, but I guess it's better out than in.

I've just been so worked up all week, I was actually physically sick on Wednesday. All these emotions, the anxiety 'butterflies' in my belly is horrible. I had to have a blood test the same day and the nurse had to ask if I was OK, she noted I had a temperature and was pale. I had to lie down for the test as I thought I'd faint. Look at what the mongrel of a man has done to me.

I've been sleeping heaps, in my pyjamas till midday, just being a depressed sloth. I haven't been able to make myself do any exercise, I've just had no drive. Nothing in the tank, no passion, no energy, no care factor. I've suffered with depression before, I just can't go down that road again.

Today I went to the gym for the first time in almost a month. I decided it was time to reclaim MY territory. It was horrible. We trained together so everything is a memory. I walked in and saw a guy he works with and started shaking. I got teary but snapped myself out of it. After my warm-up, his workmate came to me and said "so sorry to hear you and Rob broke up". Well that was it, I started crying again. F*CK ME WOMAN!!!!!! I was so embarassed but I felt worse for the poor bugger... We chatted for a bit and although I'm not one to gossip and get spiteful, I did let him know bits of the story. I'm sure the rest will be filled in for him soon enough.

I managed to work out, although I was very shaky throughout the whole session. My nerves are just shot to pieces at the moment. I had to drop my weights back heaps, which is not good for the ego, but I'm going to be sooo bloody sore tomorrow - I get sore after a week off, after 4 it's going to KILL me! But bring it baby, bring it :) I got a freebie spray-tan last night so I felt like I looked good! I finished off with 20mins cardio, it's disgusting how much everything hurts.

Of course I felt better after the session, I just have to drag myself there no matter how depressed I am.

I have plans this year, I have BIG plans this year. Something to keep me focused, to keep me busy and occupied, and to make me LIVE, not just go through the motions like I have been. And although ultimately it's for ME, to rub it in his deceiptful, slimy, pathetic face.

Tell Me Your Story

I'm not a drama queen, I've just never been through something as heart-breaking as this. I cannot stand this pain. I know everyone has been through break-ups before, but when it's you, it feels like no one can understand your pain. Or that your story was different.

So tell me a funny story. How did you get over it?

I'm thinking of taking up darts. With strategically placed photographs.

I Miss My Best Friend so Much :(

What to say? Pretend I'm fine, or tell the truth.

I've had many ups and "I fucking hate him" moments, but I've also had many many lows and "How could he throw that all away, is he POSITIVE he doesn't want me in his life and future again" moments.

For the majority, I had a great time on the Gold Coast - when I wasn't in tears as I'd
1. Saw a shirt he wore
2. Smelt the smell he wore
3. Ran into a few of his friends
4. Remembered that this was the store/shopping centre we went to together in July.
5. Heard a song
6. Pretty muchly any little memory from the last 4 years - hell he was in all of them.

Last Thursday we cut all contact. He thought it was the best way for me to get over it. (How effing thoughtful - although it killed me to do so, I agreed). Mind you this is after he sends texts asking "How are you babe? Have you eaten? Have you slept yet?"
1. DON'T CALL ME BABE
2. DO NOT ASK ME QUESTIONS THAT ARE NO CONCERN OF YOURS ANYMORE.
So all contact was ceased. I erased all his numbers and he did mine. Worst thing is, I know his numbers off by heart. And I know for a fact that he DOESN'T know mine. He was able to delete me from his life. Wipe his hands clean of the grime that was me.

I renovated my life and bought truck-loads of new stuff. To wear where? I have no life now.

I hadn't cried for TWO whole days until (you won't believe this), I ran into his parents. In the middle of a crowded shopping centre in a foreign city. (This was the week that him and I were going down there with his family... I fastforwarded my trip a bit).

They said hello, I said hi and started to sob. She hugged me which made it worse. She cried then his dad cried - we were all crying in the middle of the freaking shopping centre. It was SO hard seeing them and knowing that I'm no longer part of their lives. They said they are so upset by it as well. :( It broke my heart yet again.

The next day the story gets even more spooky. I knew HE was also in town by now, and I did NOT want to bump into him, but then I kind of did want to - why? I'm not sure... To see how he'd react? Just to SEE him again?

I was inside a small store, and came from behind a clothes rack, and would you effing believe who was in there? Not just in the crowds in the aisles, inside the same small store. Him. It must have been meant to happen. I went over and got his attention and he shit himself. I started shaking uncontrollably then the tears started. It was an automatic reaction. He said lets go outside. We walked out, about 5 metres apart. It was all so weird. We found a seat and chatted - I chatted to him like I always had, I don't know how to not talk to him like a boyfriend. I said there was still so much I didn't understand - but I wasn't there to pick a fight. I told him I missed my best friend. We laughed together, we put crap on each other, we would lie there and just piss ourselves laughing at (my) stupidity. I miss the nicknames, I miss the private jokes, I miss the one person I would call when the silliest of things happened - just to tell him. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. The saddest thing was leaving - we hugged and I started to sob. We talked a bit more - then we got up and parted with another hug (Yay for me I didn't cry this time!), and I just wished him well. This was the first time I'd seen him since 'the break-up' happened. It felt so so wrong leaving. I felt like I should have been leaving with him. Going along with him. Like a movie scene - girl and guy hug at top of escalator - both turn separate ways, guy goes down escalator, girl opposite way. It was just so.... SAD.

I flew home Wednesday night. I was fine until I got to the departure lounge. I started sobbing uncontrollably, I couldn't breathe. It was real. I had run away for 8 days. Now I had to face my new life. I was hysterical. He wasn't picking me up. I wasn't going home to him. I wasn't going home to the life I'd know for 4 years. I was going home to nothing. My sis called and I couldn't even breathe let alone speak I was in such a state. Reality had hit.

It's a horrible rollercoaster - I feel so powerful, then I feel so helpless. I'm reading a book to help me get through it.

To many it's so black and white - he cheated on you, get over it and move on. It's not that easy I'm sorry. I wish it was.

I've always had OCD tendencies and over-analysed everything. So you can imagine what's been going on in this screwed up head. I spoke to my doctor yesterday and she recommended getting professional help. I'll see how the next week pans out...

I'm still off work (as I was this week anyway). Next week I'll go back to admin and organising the shambles that the place will be. I'm not ready to face clients yet. They knew him, or knew of him. Some of my clients have trained with me since before I even met him, so they know lots! I'm going back down south for the Australia Day weekend - as I mentioned in my 2009 goal setting blog about living your life like each day is your last (BAD example I've set so far), me and HIM and my sis and bro-in-law were going to to Airlie to do a reef trip that weekend - there was no way I was going to sit at home and wallow over what could have been.

I return the following Wednesday and have convinced myself to have the rest of that week off - it'll be 4 weeks by then. Then I work for 2 weeks, then off to Bali. I am SO glad that I booked that all those months ago.

I need to re-evaluate my life now and work out my goals. I expected a mid 2010 wedding...
For now I have no passion for anything. I haven't done a spot of exercise for almost 2 weeks, but I don't care. I only started eating breakfast again this week. I've hardly eaten but when I have there hasn't been a lot of thought in it - I certainly haven't binged. When I'm depressed I don't eat. I didn't eat for 5 days... I realised when I almost passed out in a shop that I needed to stop the crap. Jelly beans were good.

Yesterday my weight at home was 48.8kgs. At the doctor I was 49.3kgs. A drop of 4kgs since I'd been to her. But I had lost weight before all this crap happened anyway.

My goal is to make myself SO HOT. He is going to regret ever letting a HOT, AWESOME chick like me go. I'm going to pretend I'm the happiest girl in the world.

Revenge is sweet, and I think that will be the best revenge.

Enough is enough!

I've had enough now. I've waffled enough shit on here about stuff that really should be kept private! But it felt bloody good to get it out. :)

I'm making the conscious decision to be happy and get over it. I have the love, comfort and support of so many special people but I'm the only one that can make the decision for me to be happy. So were the wise words of my little brother. My poor little brother who just went through the same thing 2 months ago. I have to take on board what advice I gave him, and listen to myself!

There will be more tears, there will be many more 'moments', but they have to be a small part of my day, not the whole of it.

I need to start to exercise again, I need to start eating again, I need to do everything that I can to make my body feel better, then my head should follow.

I have the answers that would have driven me crazy - I can start to have closure.

I have to forget my obsessive-compulsive tendancies and not let myself be obsessed with what 'could' have been. Coz it's never going to be. And I have a very special friend who will boot me up the ass if she sees that I'm wallowing. I needed that time to just cry and cry and think and over-analyse. But enough is enough. After 4 years I cannot waste any more days on a dead issue. Life is too short :)

Quote I read just recently:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent".

Not coping at all

Things are just shit. I want to crawl in a hole and die. I left home for the Gold Coast, but everything down here is a reminder as well. We were only here 6 months ago. And I'm alone as my friend has to work. I've tried to shop, I'm looking but I'm not actually seeing.

I did some sleuthing last night on good old facebook and I put all the pieces of the puzzle together. I worked it out. He wasn't shagging a random when he was here on end of season footy trip, it was a mutual friend of ours from home. Who just happened to be down there the same weekend.

A 20 year old, ditzy, drugfucked girl, who's not even that attractive (not that that really matters I guess). He jeopardized EVERYTHING for a girl like that instead of me, mature, secure, successful career and business, and looks after herself.

He threw all that away.

When he and I took my cousin out between chrissy and new year for cocktails which I mentioned in an earlier blog, this 'friend' met us later. Talked to me like normal, acted like normal, the fuckhead acted like normal. I was to never suspect a thing. I never did.

He said to me yesterday that being with her was the biggest mistake of his life as he lost the person he has loved the most. Yet he kept in contact with her. He didn't think 'I can never see her again as she's helped me fuck up my life', he kept in contact.

She doesn't even live in town anymore, she's moved to Brisbane now, only lately. She's fucking lucky as I now know what I'm capable of in this state. I have never had such passion and force and feelings behind anything as hard as when I slapped his face on Monday.

What breaks my heart is a message on her wall from her friend "HEY! What's the verdict? You know who I am talking about! :)" Like it has all been pre-planned. He told me only today that he hadn't even spoken to the slut, that he hadn't really told anyone that we're over. He hasn't left his room in 2 days - poor fucking soul.

I feel like SUCH a fool as all his football friends and all their little groupies knew everything. Apart from HER, I never even met these people this year. It was a deliberate double life. DELIBERATE. He told me that one year of footy was not worth losing the love of his life. That's what it came down to - get involved with the wrong crowd. I thought he was better and stronger than that. He wasn't a sheep and coward. Fucking wrong again. All while I let him have his "boy" time and stayed at home. Giving him his own time that we both required.

They're both pathetic little people. I never want to see either of them again, EVER.

You know I'll be back, I'm at an internet kiosk so have to run (how sad I know I couldn't stay away and needed to see the gossip.)

Thanks again to everyones comments - I will get back to you personally one day.

Leaving My Life Behind

For a week. I'm about to fly out. I've had another shit day but I expect this for awhile. I'm running away from the memories.

I did a bad thing today - after 24 hours of being boy-sober, of zero contact, I faltered under the influence of tears. I txt him. Which led to about 70 texts between us. Then the final phone-call. I needed it though, I needed to fit pieces of the puzzle together, I needed explanations, I needed answers. I needed closure.

I got my answers, but I'm not sure about my closure. The conversation wasn't abusive, it was civil and we just talked like we used to talk. It seemed 'normal'.

Although I got what I was looking for and don't regret that, I regret the feelings it stirred up. I hated him, but talking to him was like, normal. I just feel my mourning and then healing process has been stalled 24 more hours. Every bit counts right now.

I'm not stupid, I told him even if he wanted me back, which, of course, he doesn't there is no way in hell I would ever. I found out little bits and pieces that only make me need to hate him more. I wish I could stop the fond feelings, I need the dark ones running rank in my bones. I'm using those ones and focusing on that. I KNOW he doesn't deserve me, and I don't deserve to be treated like that, but for now it's hard to actually feel that way.

I have to say thank you so much to every single one of you for the texts, emails, calls, comments and facebook messages. If there's one time in your life when girls need to stick together, it's to support each other through the bullshit guys think they can put us through.

One of my friends blasted "So What" by Pink and said it's my theme song. AMEN!

I know I'll come out the other side, in 6 months or so this will seem silly. I can't wait to get there.

My New Year Goal to "Live each day like it's your last" hasn't exactly happened...

THANKS EVERYONE, I'm pushed for time or I would personally thank you all.

See you on the other side :)

PS: I just ate for the first time since breakfast yesterday :) Small amount of chook and veges, see I'm doing gooood, things can only get better, right! :)

And Look She's Back

I can't believe that I am blogging my whole sad sorry life at the moment for my friends and any lurkers *hi there - say hi back, god knows I need it*. But you know what? I need to let this out. I have cried my heart and eyes out to my parents and friends, I just sound like a broken record. But to write it and not care who sees it is also so therapeutic. I could do it privately, but no, I'm OK giving the 'world' my life story. To know some people there care even just a little makes me feel a touch better. I repeat - you don't have to read it.

Last time I looked at the clock last night was 2.30am-ish. I woke up at 3.45am-ish - you know when you wake up and that split second you have no idea what day it is yet, or what you need to do, or no idea on anything. Well in that split second, I forgot. I totally forgot. If I could bottle up that feeling and swig it all day that would be the best thing in the world right now. Until the realisation hits - and I started bawling. Gee that doesn't sound like me now does it? My contacts won't even fit in my eyes today - I've turned Japanese overnight. I cried and settled myself repeatedly for an hour.

At 4.45am I got up, dressed and went for a walk. Except I wouldn't even call it that. It was a dawdle. I didn't know I could walk so slow - I hate to think what I looked like. Girl walking at snail's pace, in the dark, bawling her eyes out in hysterics, to the point where she cannot breathe. Finds park bench and sits and is a mess.

You know what the worst part is - I was drawn like a magnet to his house. I passed it. I bawled. I'm not going to become a pathetic stalking ex-gf, but on the same token, that fuckhead is not going to make me change the path I walk and run on. (Quick run-down - mum and dad's house and his house he part-owns are in the same suburb - like 4 blocks - since he moved to town 14 months ago. I didn't officially live with him, it was easy enough having home home just round the corner. I spent 80% of my time there and stayed home when he worked out of town).

On the way back I almost went through the side gate to his room at the back and bashed down his door to let me in. I had no idea what for. What I would say. It was the magnetism. Even to just punch the shit out of him, it would have made me feel better. The 2% sensible part of me made me keep walking. I may have felt better momentarily, but I can't let him have the satisfaction of seeing me in the mess I'm in.

My record now is about 4 hours without breaking down. I hope to beat that today. It's all so fresh and raw still, in fact, I know I'm in denial.

I cannot believe that that sentence he said yesterday can erase 4 years of history and promise.

Don't worry, I'm not delusional - I get it, but actually grasping it and coming to full terms with it is something entirely different.

Does anyone know how to make voodoo dolls?

(And I repeat - if you the fuckhead happens to read this, go to fucking hell. I. HATE. YOU. You are a pathetic, lying, cheating, piece of shit who will end up all alone. You will NEVER bring me down with you. And get the FUCK off my blog.)

Would you believe I rarely swore?

Diary and Food Log

5.15am- oats + protein powder + goji berries + yoghurt. First day back at work, up early, just like every other day of the year.

7.00am - get the call to go round there. Self explanatory.

12.00pm - sick of moping at home, go visit friend and her kiddies, the sweet, innocent things guaranteed to make me smile.

12.30pm- can fat pepsi.

4.00pm- 2 x panadol

11.00pm - need to hurl gutz up but nothing in there. Dry reach.

I haven't even had a hunger pain.

Surprise surprise, I can't sleep. I can't lie there coz that's when I think too much. I didn't know there were so many tears in a person. I'm scared to try to go back to sleep coz that's when all the thoughts start. I can't read coz I can't concentrate. I can't do anything.

I know I'm still in denial. I can't just not expect the phone call or text I got when he was away. Each time my phone goes off, I reach for it in anticipation, and there's that flutter of hope. Which I don't want. It's habit. I'm doing my best to turn it off. I wish I had no emotions. I wish I wasn't reduced to a blubbering mess. I wish so so so so many things....

I have to say a huge thank you to each and every one of you for your support and kind words. Although nothing can make this pain go away, each bit of support makes me feel better, if only for a smidgen of time. This blog is my thoughts, my diary - if it's too much for anyone to bear, you know you don't have to read :) I don't know what else to do right now but type.

My worst thought right now is that I'll be alone forever. I'm 28 and my/our future was planned - even to the point where we discussed rings and bridal parties, to only last week discussing him doing his cert IV to help me in 'our' business. Every little bit of it was a lie.

EVERY FUCKING BIT.

He was my best friend, my partner, my life. I have none of that anymore. My 2 best girlfriends here in town are both married with lots of kids. My sister is married and has her own life. The only life I knew has been taken from me. I don't know how to do anything alone. If it wasn't for my business I'd be out of here. It's a small town, I don't want to and cannot face seeing him with someone else. I will die. He was the one person I gave my LIFE to, and I now have nothing.

I didn't see it coming. We had a fantastic Christmas - we were both on holidays last week. It was great just being together. He went away this weekend - I don't even want to know what went on. Faithful ol' wifey stayed home. He said he loved me as I dropped him off at the airport on Friday. Monday he doesn't love me anymore. I tried reasoning with him - until he dropped the bombshell. "I've been on drugs and cheating on you". That is not the boy I was knew, how could I have not seen that. He'd been hiding it all from me. THE cheat happened the first weekend in October. If it hadn't happened with someone else earlier. Hope she was fucking worth it. I was a shaking, sobbing mess on the bedroom floor.

I'm scared to go to the gym, not that I was capable of that today. HE trains there as do all the footy fags. I don't trust myself with dumbbells around those fuckheads who turned the love of my life into a drug-fucked, cheating, lying scumbag. Will they be sniggering behind my back? All I needed to do today was punch the shit out of something. Anything. My hand still stings from the bloody hard slap he received on the face this morning. It left a mark, I hope he has welts from it.

I'm running away from my problems - my and his gold coast trip next week which we've looked forward to for so long is obviously cancelled. My best friend on the gold coast - yes I have three besties since school - is a travel agent (and my sole single buddy) and she arranged everything for me today. I'm flying out tomorrow night and coming back next Wednesday. I'll be staying with her at Coolangatta. Unfortunately she still has to work, but I will have her car, if anyone wants to catch up, I'd love to pass time. I promise to not cry.

Its only delaying the inevitable - I'll still have to face all this shit when I return. What happens next weekend if I want to go out? I can't stay at home bawling on a Friday and Saturday night just wondering who he's fucking. But I also have no one to go out with.

Will I EVER trust again? He was the one person who prided himself on his honesty - and apart from all the bombshells today I think he was. But who really knows. He knows the shit I went through with the boyfriend before him - he slept around on me, surprise, surprise. He KNOWS what I went through, yet he did that and 10x worse - he still told me he loved me to death and wanted to marry me. How can anyone live such a lie and fool not just me, but EVERYONE in his life (except for his precious, dear footy boys). Are they gonna spend the rest of their lives with him - coz he's sacrificed ours for a good time with them. How can he take FOUR years of my life away from me.

I have to treat this like a death. It is the death of him. The guy this morning (obviously still in a drug-induced haze) is not the guy that I fell in love with three years ago. He's not the man I planned to spend my life with. In his place is a lying, cheating, pathetic scumbag. The gorgeous man I loved slowly died this year behind my back. RIP - I loved you with my whole heart, soul and being.

The End of My Life as I Know it.

How does one react when the person they were going to spend the rest of their life with takes their heart, smashes it to pieces and leaves on the footpath for the dogs to shit on.

My life was perfect. I had never been happier. Today my partner of four, yes FOUR years decides he doesn't love me anymore. Well, that's what he says.

He confesses that the past year, yes YEAR, he's been 'covering his tracks' and he's sick of it (how fucking inconvenient)- popping pills, and cheating on me.

The one I spent my days and nights with; who I socialise with and train with; who only asked me last month when the right time would be to ask my dad to marry me; who constantly told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me forever.

My sister, my friends, my parents are sooo shocked, this is not the boy they knew. I told them to multiply it by 1000 and that's how shocked I am.

Am I a fool to not see it coming?

He started playing footy this year - Little Miss Supportive sat at home and sometimes picked him up after his big boys nights out after the footy. Wrong crowd - here anyway, they're knowing for picking up chicks, rooting around, treating girls like shit but next weekend there'd always be another one or three for them to play with. But not my boy, we were secure and together for years, as if he's turn into one of them.

Wrong again.

He was popping pills (which he knows I'm against); and hooking up with other chicks in town - a kiss only I'm led to believe - but I believe nothing anymore.

Who takes him and picks him up from the airport after his end of season footy trip - only to find out TODAY that that weekend he was shagging a random from the Gold Coast.

He never told me.

He lived a double life. I feel like such a fool. All his mates knew; I was just the girl that hung around that "Fot" cheated on and could be treated like shit.

I never knew. I never suspected. Fucking bloody naive stupid little bitch.

How do you flick the switch to stop loving someone. I HATE HIM SO MUCH, but I still love him so much.

I can't stop crying, I just can't believe that that's it.

We were going away to the gold coast next week. I'm actually doing a runner and have moved my flights to tomorrow and staying with my best friend. I need some girly time.

How do the tears stop falling? How does my heart stop aching?

And if you happen to read this you fuckhead - go to fucking hell. I fucking HATE you.

Kidlets and Cocktails!

Such a diverse party!! My sis and bro-in-law hosted their annual New Year's Eve Cocktail party last night. 10 kiddies attended in total - I was more interested in keeping them occupied than sipping on poison! I just LOVE my best friend's kids, I would love to kidnap them all!! The oldest was 7, the rest are all under 5. By 10pm they had all gone home, the poor things were soooo over-tired! At least their mummies and daddies got to socialise for a little bit!

I taste-tested a few different concoctions - why do they never taste the same as when you pay money for them!!! I behaved myself and only had a couple, we did the countdown, saw the fireworks from their house that went off in town, and was home by 12.30pm!! My boy didn't drink so we drove home. We're off to the beach today! :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!!! I hope you all do everything in your power to make your dreams come true!