Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Leaving My Life Behind

For a week. I'm about to fly out. I've had another shit day but I expect this for awhile. I'm running away from the memories.

I did a bad thing today - after 24 hours of being boy-sober, of zero contact, I faltered under the influence of tears. I txt him. Which led to about 70 texts between us. Then the final phone-call. I needed it though, I needed to fit pieces of the puzzle together, I needed explanations, I needed answers. I needed closure.

I got my answers, but I'm not sure about my closure. The conversation wasn't abusive, it was civil and we just talked like we used to talk. It seemed 'normal'.

Although I got what I was looking for and don't regret that, I regret the feelings it stirred up. I hated him, but talking to him was like, normal. I just feel my mourning and then healing process has been stalled 24 more hours. Every bit counts right now.

I'm not stupid, I told him even if he wanted me back, which, of course, he doesn't there is no way in hell I would ever. I found out little bits and pieces that only make me need to hate him more. I wish I could stop the fond feelings, I need the dark ones running rank in my bones. I'm using those ones and focusing on that. I KNOW he doesn't deserve me, and I don't deserve to be treated like that, but for now it's hard to actually feel that way.

I have to say thank you so much to every single one of you for the texts, emails, calls, comments and facebook messages. If there's one time in your life when girls need to stick together, it's to support each other through the bullshit guys think they can put us through.

One of my friends blasted "So What" by Pink and said it's my theme song. AMEN!

I know I'll come out the other side, in 6 months or so this will seem silly. I can't wait to get there.

My New Year Goal to "Live each day like it's your last" hasn't exactly happened...

THANKS EVERYONE, I'm pushed for time or I would personally thank you all.

See you on the other side :)

PS: I just ate for the first time since breakfast yesterday :) Small amount of chook and veges, see I'm doing gooood, things can only get better, right! :)


Hilds said...

Enjoy every minute of being away. I hope for a few moments you can forget about it all and have a bit of fun. You deserve it and you deserve to be happy, don't let the bastard ruin a good holiday!

Take Care!

Kelly said...

Hi Selina

I'm one of those lurkers *waves* but thought I'd come and leave a message.

I know what you are going through and just want to let you know that eventually it will fade.

But right now you are right. It is bloody tough getting through this.


Enjoy your trip away.

linda said...

Oh Selina- I had no idea what you've been going through- I've only been pottering around the edges of blog world. What a horrible time you're going through- I'm so sorry. You are right- you will come through it but that doesn't really help right now. A big hug for you and know that there are lots of people out here looking out for you xx

Kimmy said...

Sending lots of positve vibes your way. Only good things will come to you now as long as you forget the past and focus on your future and your goals.
Live with Passion

Kimmy said...

Sending lots of positve vibes your way. Only good things will come to you now as long as you forget the past and focus on your future and your goals.
Live with Passion

Pip said...

I am so sorry to read of your shock devastating news Selina! Bloody bastard he is!!! I couldn't at all imagine how you would be feeling now, (horrid I'd imagine) - do the best you can to enjoy your break away!


Jehanne said...

oh honey - I have been away for the past week and have only just caught up on your horrible news. I am so sorry to hear about the crap and pain and shit you have been going through. I wish there was some way to help you - just know that you are in my thoughts and things WILL get better for you in 2009!!!!!!!!!!

RaeC said...

I hope time away with your friend is very therapeutic for you xxx

Debstar said...

I'm another occasional lurker who has decided to send some love your way.

Selina, if a man makes you feel this bad then he never deserved your love in the first place and he certainly does not deserve your tears now.

Hope you get to have some fun on the Gold Coast and don't spend too much time moping.

Cheryl said...

Hey Selina,
I saw the post on Kek's blog. I feel your pain sweetheart. The same thing happened to me 6 months ago. Ive been with my husband for 20yrs! I can tell you time will heal. Not great advise but the truth. The pains is undiscriable, and it fucking sucks to say it nicely.
If you want to talk feel free to email me missrubyrose@yahoo.com.au
Cheryl xxx

emharvie said...

Hey Selina - I'm a follower of Kek's blog as well. Chin up - you are waaaaaayyyy better off without the loser. Even it it doesn't feel that way now, know that it is true. Em xx

Tracey said...

Awww big hugs Hilary, hope you enjoy your holiday despite everything.