Monday, January 05, 2009

Surprise surprise, I can't sleep. I can't lie there coz that's when I think too much. I didn't know there were so many tears in a person. I'm scared to try to go back to sleep coz that's when all the thoughts start. I can't read coz I can't concentrate. I can't do anything.

I know I'm still in denial. I can't just not expect the phone call or text I got when he was away. Each time my phone goes off, I reach for it in anticipation, and there's that flutter of hope. Which I don't want. It's habit. I'm doing my best to turn it off. I wish I had no emotions. I wish I wasn't reduced to a blubbering mess. I wish so so so so many things....

I have to say a huge thank you to each and every one of you for your support and kind words. Although nothing can make this pain go away, each bit of support makes me feel better, if only for a smidgen of time. This blog is my thoughts, my diary - if it's too much for anyone to bear, you know you don't have to read :) I don't know what else to do right now but type.

My worst thought right now is that I'll be alone forever. I'm 28 and my/our future was planned - even to the point where we discussed rings and bridal parties, to only last week discussing him doing his cert IV to help me in 'our' business. Every little bit of it was a lie.


He was my best friend, my partner, my life. I have none of that anymore. My 2 best girlfriends here in town are both married with lots of kids. My sister is married and has her own life. The only life I knew has been taken from me. I don't know how to do anything alone. If it wasn't for my business I'd be out of here. It's a small town, I don't want to and cannot face seeing him with someone else. I will die. He was the one person I gave my LIFE to, and I now have nothing.

I didn't see it coming. We had a fantastic Christmas - we were both on holidays last week. It was great just being together. He went away this weekend - I don't even want to know what went on. Faithful ol' wifey stayed home. He said he loved me as I dropped him off at the airport on Friday. Monday he doesn't love me anymore. I tried reasoning with him - until he dropped the bombshell. "I've been on drugs and cheating on you". That is not the boy I was knew, how could I have not seen that. He'd been hiding it all from me. THE cheat happened the first weekend in October. If it hadn't happened with someone else earlier. Hope she was fucking worth it. I was a shaking, sobbing mess on the bedroom floor.

I'm scared to go to the gym, not that I was capable of that today. HE trains there as do all the footy fags. I don't trust myself with dumbbells around those fuckheads who turned the love of my life into a drug-fucked, cheating, lying scumbag. Will they be sniggering behind my back? All I needed to do today was punch the shit out of something. Anything. My hand still stings from the bloody hard slap he received on the face this morning. It left a mark, I hope he has welts from it.

I'm running away from my problems - my and his gold coast trip next week which we've looked forward to for so long is obviously cancelled. My best friend on the gold coast - yes I have three besties since school - is a travel agent (and my sole single buddy) and she arranged everything for me today. I'm flying out tomorrow night and coming back next Wednesday. I'll be staying with her at Coolangatta. Unfortunately she still has to work, but I will have her car, if anyone wants to catch up, I'd love to pass time. I promise to not cry.

Its only delaying the inevitable - I'll still have to face all this shit when I return. What happens next weekend if I want to go out? I can't stay at home bawling on a Friday and Saturday night just wondering who he's fucking. But I also have no one to go out with.

Will I EVER trust again? He was the one person who prided himself on his honesty - and apart from all the bombshells today I think he was. But who really knows. He knows the shit I went through with the boyfriend before him - he slept around on me, surprise, surprise. He KNOWS what I went through, yet he did that and 10x worse - he still told me he loved me to death and wanted to marry me. How can anyone live such a lie and fool not just me, but EVERYONE in his life (except for his precious, dear footy boys). Are they gonna spend the rest of their lives with him - coz he's sacrificed ours for a good time with them. How can he take FOUR years of my life away from me.

I have to treat this like a death. It is the death of him. The guy this morning (obviously still in a drug-induced haze) is not the guy that I fell in love with three years ago. He's not the man I planned to spend my life with. In his place is a lying, cheating, pathetic scumbag. The gorgeous man I loved slowly died this year behind my back. RIP - I loved you with my whole heart, soul and being.


Sara said...

Selina, you are only 28. That's practically a baby! I'm 37 (!!) and even then Kek tells me I'm not entitled to feel washed up.... Email me:

Sara said...

BTW, I read what you write and it's as if I could have written it myself, with a few very minor exceptions (he says he did not cheat, only 'wanted' to I have my doubts there).

Kerry said...

Sara is right Selina, you are practically a baby. You are also right when you say it is like a death, you are grieving and it will take time to heal. All your "friends" in the cyber world care and will be there for you when you want to vent. Continue this blogging because it gives you a place to relieve the grief temporarily. Get as much off your chest as you need and don't apologize for it. That's why we all blog.
Love and Hugs,
Kerry oxoxox