Friday, January 16, 2009

I Miss My Best Friend so Much :(

What to say? Pretend I'm fine, or tell the truth.

I've had many ups and "I fucking hate him" moments, but I've also had many many lows and "How could he throw that all away, is he POSITIVE he doesn't want me in his life and future again" moments.

For the majority, I had a great time on the Gold Coast - when I wasn't in tears as I'd
1. Saw a shirt he wore
2. Smelt the smell he wore
3. Ran into a few of his friends
4. Remembered that this was the store/shopping centre we went to together in July.
5. Heard a song
6. Pretty muchly any little memory from the last 4 years - hell he was in all of them.

Last Thursday we cut all contact. He thought it was the best way for me to get over it. (How effing thoughtful - although it killed me to do so, I agreed). Mind you this is after he sends texts asking "How are you babe? Have you eaten? Have you slept yet?"
1. DON'T CALL ME BABE
2. DO NOT ASK ME QUESTIONS THAT ARE NO CONCERN OF YOURS ANYMORE.
So all contact was ceased. I erased all his numbers and he did mine. Worst thing is, I know his numbers off by heart. And I know for a fact that he DOESN'T know mine. He was able to delete me from his life. Wipe his hands clean of the grime that was me.

I renovated my life and bought truck-loads of new stuff. To wear where? I have no life now.

I hadn't cried for TWO whole days until (you won't believe this), I ran into his parents. In the middle of a crowded shopping centre in a foreign city. (This was the week that him and I were going down there with his family... I fastforwarded my trip a bit).

They said hello, I said hi and started to sob. She hugged me which made it worse. She cried then his dad cried - we were all crying in the middle of the freaking shopping centre. It was SO hard seeing them and knowing that I'm no longer part of their lives. They said they are so upset by it as well. :( It broke my heart yet again.

The next day the story gets even more spooky. I knew HE was also in town by now, and I did NOT want to bump into him, but then I kind of did want to - why? I'm not sure... To see how he'd react? Just to SEE him again?

I was inside a small store, and came from behind a clothes rack, and would you effing believe who was in there? Not just in the crowds in the aisles, inside the same small store. Him. It must have been meant to happen. I went over and got his attention and he shit himself. I started shaking uncontrollably then the tears started. It was an automatic reaction. He said lets go outside. We walked out, about 5 metres apart. It was all so weird. We found a seat and chatted - I chatted to him like I always had, I don't know how to not talk to him like a boyfriend. I said there was still so much I didn't understand - but I wasn't there to pick a fight. I told him I missed my best friend. We laughed together, we put crap on each other, we would lie there and just piss ourselves laughing at (my) stupidity. I miss the nicknames, I miss the private jokes, I miss the one person I would call when the silliest of things happened - just to tell him. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. The saddest thing was leaving - we hugged and I started to sob. We talked a bit more - then we got up and parted with another hug (Yay for me I didn't cry this time!), and I just wished him well. This was the first time I'd seen him since 'the break-up' happened. It felt so so wrong leaving. I felt like I should have been leaving with him. Going along with him. Like a movie scene - girl and guy hug at top of escalator - both turn separate ways, guy goes down escalator, girl opposite way. It was just so.... SAD.

I flew home Wednesday night. I was fine until I got to the departure lounge. I started sobbing uncontrollably, I couldn't breathe. It was real. I had run away for 8 days. Now I had to face my new life. I was hysterical. He wasn't picking me up. I wasn't going home to him. I wasn't going home to the life I'd know for 4 years. I was going home to nothing. My sis called and I couldn't even breathe let alone speak I was in such a state. Reality had hit.

It's a horrible rollercoaster - I feel so powerful, then I feel so helpless. I'm reading a book to help me get through it.

To many it's so black and white - he cheated on you, get over it and move on. It's not that easy I'm sorry. I wish it was.

I've always had OCD tendencies and over-analysed everything. So you can imagine what's been going on in this screwed up head. I spoke to my doctor yesterday and she recommended getting professional help. I'll see how the next week pans out...

I'm still off work (as I was this week anyway). Next week I'll go back to admin and organising the shambles that the place will be. I'm not ready to face clients yet. They knew him, or knew of him. Some of my clients have trained with me since before I even met him, so they know lots! I'm going back down south for the Australia Day weekend - as I mentioned in my 2009 goal setting blog about living your life like each day is your last (BAD example I've set so far), me and HIM and my sis and bro-in-law were going to to Airlie to do a reef trip that weekend - there was no way I was going to sit at home and wallow over what could have been.

I return the following Wednesday and have convinced myself to have the rest of that week off - it'll be 4 weeks by then. Then I work for 2 weeks, then off to Bali. I am SO glad that I booked that all those months ago.

I need to re-evaluate my life now and work out my goals. I expected a mid 2010 wedding...
For now I have no passion for anything. I haven't done a spot of exercise for almost 2 weeks, but I don't care. I only started eating breakfast again this week. I've hardly eaten but when I have there hasn't been a lot of thought in it - I certainly haven't binged. When I'm depressed I don't eat. I didn't eat for 5 days... I realised when I almost passed out in a shop that I needed to stop the crap. Jelly beans were good.

Yesterday my weight at home was 48.8kgs. At the doctor I was 49.3kgs. A drop of 4kgs since I'd been to her. But I had lost weight before all this crap happened anyway.

My goal is to make myself SO HOT. He is going to regret ever letting a HOT, AWESOME chick like me go. I'm going to pretend I'm the happiest girl in the world.

Revenge is sweet, and I think that will be the best revenge.

4 comments:

Ronnie said...

You already were a hot awesome chick. he will be sorry he just doesn't know it yet. i will be thinking of you this weekend and hope that you aren't siting around on your own too much. Keep blogging how you feel. I think it will help in the long run.

Hugs

Ronnie

xx

ss2306 said...

Selina

I'm so feeling for you. I've there myself - a marriage breakup with a young children involved and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I lived on cigarettes and alcohol and when I did eat it was shit like Macca's and I dropped a lot of weight too which made me look gaunt and sick.

You will get through it and come out the other side a stronger person for it although I know you'll be doubting that very much right now.

There's nothing I can say except hang in there and know that we care.

Anna said...

I'm really sorry!!!!!!! u sound like a really awesome person, and you CAN get thru this!! :) keep ur chin up, everything always happens for a reason! ( I kno, that sounds lame but it IS true ) :D

Anna said...

i'm sorry!!! you sound like a really cool girl, and i know that its hard but it'll work out!! everything always happens for a reason! (lame right? but true!i PROMISE!) :) keep ur head up!!!