Thursday, January 22, 2009

Continued...

Here's the next installment of the life and tragedies of me. I may as well continue my story, as I'm sure you're all holding your breathe for it (not), plus it's for my records, and once I'm healed I have a record of all the processes I've been though and how far I've come.

On Saturday my sis and I went out for pampering which she arranged - acrylic nails, a pedicure and make-up done. Unfortunately I was having an extremely down and depressed day, and I was really low low low. We went out that nite for her hubby's birthday, and I learnt a lesson. Alcohol does not drown your sorrows, you only feel worse. Why would an already depressed person drink a depressant. There were too many memories everywhere I went, but the worst part was seeing the brother of the girl that HE was with. Family friend, known them forever, he has no idea what's happened (but he will I'm sure, small town), and when I saw my brother talking to him, I literally burst into tears. I've suddenly grown a switch in me, that I can just cry at the drop of a hat. As I was so upset, my sister got upset - she's cried everytime I've cried. All us siblings feel each other's pain. The other people with us had no freaking idea what was going on. Anyway, although I felt HOT with my new everythings, and new clothes on, it was a horrible night.

On Monday I got the bombshell. HIS brother's fiancee (and my good friend) sent me an email saying how sorry she was and she had only just found out (2 weeks on mind you...) and that she and his brother were disgusted in him and that I can do so much better. His brother can't even look at him the same way - and that's saying something, they're close. I replied to her that I don't know what reasons he's saying we broke up but they weren't good ones. I didn't go into any detail, I'm not trying to make people take sides as such. She wrote back and said that he didn't tell them we broke up, or the reason. Only that their mum had told them that HE was now seeing this M(her name) chick now, and had been for awhile. As I read it, another instant switch of waterworks. It was a f*cking slap in the face. (a) that he IS actually seeing her now, I seriously can't believe it as she's trash - but I guess so is he and (b) that he has even had the nerve to use her name and tell his parents so soon. It's like me and him never happened. I was devastated. I know him though, and I know it won't last, it's simply someone to keep his mind off what was 'us'. The line he always used was "nothing like the next one to get over the last one". That kills me.

Anyway, I had to go over to 'our' house on Monday to get more stuff I'd left. I couldn't have my stuff there lingering. I needed closure of some sort. It was 2 weeks to the day since it all happened in the same place. He only arrived home from the GC Monday, so it was the first day for both of us together in familiar territory. I had to ask things, to understand, although I still don't and probably never will. We both ended up asolutely bawling. He was such a mess. It was horrible... I knew that was the last time I'd ever set foot in 'our' house. He hugged me so hard, it was so hard to leave, it was just the worst thing I've ever had to do.

So to say I've had a shit of a week is an understatement. I'm on a constant rollercoaster. I feel so strong and that I don't need him, then I crumble and cry and cry and don't want to be without him. He was the one that made me feel safe and protected. He was also the one that lied and cheated and disrespected me to the lowest degree. I asked him if SHE knew that he was going to end it with me, and he said he told her. And the most humiliating thing is that I know she went and told all her little friends. HOW DARE HE tell ANYONE that he was going to break up with the girl he wanted to marry, without her even knowing there was a problem in first place. HOW FUCKING DARE HE. GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

*breathe breath* OK, I actually didn't come here to ramble too much about that, but I guess it's better out than in.

I've just been so worked up all week, I was actually physically sick on Wednesday. All these emotions, the anxiety 'butterflies' in my belly is horrible. I had to have a blood test the same day and the nurse had to ask if I was OK, she noted I had a temperature and was pale. I had to lie down for the test as I thought I'd faint. Look at what the mongrel of a man has done to me.

I've been sleeping heaps, in my pyjamas till midday, just being a depressed sloth. I haven't been able to make myself do any exercise, I've just had no drive. Nothing in the tank, no passion, no energy, no care factor. I've suffered with depression before, I just can't go down that road again.

Today I went to the gym for the first time in almost a month. I decided it was time to reclaim MY territory. It was horrible. We trained together so everything is a memory. I walked in and saw a guy he works with and started shaking. I got teary but snapped myself out of it. After my warm-up, his workmate came to me and said "so sorry to hear you and Rob broke up". Well that was it, I started crying again. F*CK ME WOMAN!!!!!! I was so embarassed but I felt worse for the poor bugger... We chatted for a bit and although I'm not one to gossip and get spiteful, I did let him know bits of the story. I'm sure the rest will be filled in for him soon enough.

I managed to work out, although I was very shaky throughout the whole session. My nerves are just shot to pieces at the moment. I had to drop my weights back heaps, which is not good for the ego, but I'm going to be sooo bloody sore tomorrow - I get sore after a week off, after 4 it's going to KILL me! But bring it baby, bring it :) I got a freebie spray-tan last night so I felt like I looked good! I finished off with 20mins cardio, it's disgusting how much everything hurts.

Of course I felt better after the session, I just have to drag myself there no matter how depressed I am.

I have plans this year, I have BIG plans this year. Something to keep me focused, to keep me busy and occupied, and to make me LIVE, not just go through the motions like I have been. And although ultimately it's for ME, to rub it in his deceiptful, slimy, pathetic face.

2 comments:

gypsy77 said...

Well done Selina!

I'm with you and agree that it helps to have it all written down. It helps to get all your crap out of your head.

Try and get back into your workouts. Running will help with your stress levels.

Hang in there babe, your doing great!

xxBec

linda said...

selina- getting back to the gym is a step forward- well done. Sending you lots of hugs xx