Tuesday, January 06, 2009

And Look She's Back

I can't believe that I am blogging my whole sad sorry life at the moment for my friends and any lurkers *hi there - say hi back, god knows I need it*. But you know what? I need to let this out. I have cried my heart and eyes out to my parents and friends, I just sound like a broken record. But to write it and not care who sees it is also so therapeutic. I could do it privately, but no, I'm OK giving the 'world' my life story. To know some people there care even just a little makes me feel a touch better. I repeat - you don't have to read it.

Last time I looked at the clock last night was 2.30am-ish. I woke up at 3.45am-ish - you know when you wake up and that split second you have no idea what day it is yet, or what you need to do, or no idea on anything. Well in that split second, I forgot. I totally forgot. If I could bottle up that feeling and swig it all day that would be the best thing in the world right now. Until the realisation hits - and I started bawling. Gee that doesn't sound like me now does it? My contacts won't even fit in my eyes today - I've turned Japanese overnight. I cried and settled myself repeatedly for an hour.

At 4.45am I got up, dressed and went for a walk. Except I wouldn't even call it that. It was a dawdle. I didn't know I could walk so slow - I hate to think what I looked like. Girl walking at snail's pace, in the dark, bawling her eyes out in hysterics, to the point where she cannot breathe. Finds park bench and sits and is a mess.

You know what the worst part is - I was drawn like a magnet to his house. I passed it. I bawled. I'm not going to become a pathetic stalking ex-gf, but on the same token, that fuckhead is not going to make me change the path I walk and run on. (Quick run-down - mum and dad's house and his house he part-owns are in the same suburb - like 4 blocks - since he moved to town 14 months ago. I didn't officially live with him, it was easy enough having home home just round the corner. I spent 80% of my time there and stayed home when he worked out of town).

On the way back I almost went through the side gate to his room at the back and bashed down his door to let me in. I had no idea what for. What I would say. It was the magnetism. Even to just punch the shit out of him, it would have made me feel better. The 2% sensible part of me made me keep walking. I may have felt better momentarily, but I can't let him have the satisfaction of seeing me in the mess I'm in.

My record now is about 4 hours without breaking down. I hope to beat that today. It's all so fresh and raw still, in fact, I know I'm in denial.

I cannot believe that that sentence he said yesterday can erase 4 years of history and promise.

Don't worry, I'm not delusional - I get it, but actually grasping it and coming to full terms with it is something entirely different.

Does anyone know how to make voodoo dolls?

(And I repeat - if you the fuckhead happens to read this, go to fucking hell. I. HATE. YOU. You are a pathetic, lying, cheating, piece of shit who will end up all alone. You will NEVER bring me down with you. And get the FUCK off my blog.)

Would you believe I rarely swore?

10 comments:

MTB Girl said...

Hi Selina, I hope things get easier for you soon.....I don't know what else to say.

Amanda

ss2306 said...

Get if off your chest Selina and let it all out. We're here to listen and console and call him names with you. Fuckhead, dickslap, prickface, poofterguts. Hope you get a little laugh out of my girlfriend love.

Stay strong.

Ronnie said...

Selina. Wish I could do something to help you out. You will find the right person when you least expect it. Don't let the fucker ruin your life. Take the week out to get your head together and work out how you are going to do things now as a single. You can go to whatever gym you please. Let him be the one to feel guilty while you are the one keeping on keeping on....no matter how much it hurts. (i hope you see that last bit the way I want it to sound)

hugs to you chicky babe.

xxx

Gillian said...

Hi Selina. I was really angry to hear that drugs were involved. The tragic thing is it changes people and alters who they are, and robs the people around them of what could be in terms of relationships. His friends also have a lot to answer for. You will get through this simply because you are able to put into words how you feel and this will help you deal with it.
Thinking of you:)

Shar said...

OMG Sel!!

I have just caught up on your blog! What the fuck! ??

If this is where you neeed to let it out, then do that, you have lots of support.

You will trust again.

Shar x

Kelly & Kane said...

Hi Selina,
You were strong to walk straight on by, I didn't once, and I regret looking back on that moment, it showed that he was in control still. You are much stronger than I was. My heart is thinking of you at this moment. Let the tears fall, they will stop eventually, you need to grieve and it will take time.
Good luck babe,
Kelly
xxx

Raechelle said...

HI! I just read through a couple of older posts...I hope things get better for you! It's definitley good to just get it out-I bet you feel a little better now too! We are all girlfriends here in blogland -that's a great thing!
cheers mate!
Raechelle

RaeC said...

Keep venting away babe... we're all here for you and most girls will know exactly what you are going through, so get it out of your system so it doesn't damage your feisty, loving spirit. The last thing we want is to give him that kind of power over your life. Hang in there hon!! xxx

Hilary said...

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened Selina, a break up is hard enough without all the other crap thats gone with yours. He is an absolute prick and you so deserve better!! Nothing that anyone says can make it better, and it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but you will get through this.

I will probably be down the coast next week sometime (I drive around for a living) so if you want to catch up for coffee, you've got my number.

Big hugs,

Hilary xx

Kek said...

I have NEVER heard you use words like that before.... you GO, Girlfriend! Betcha didn't even think you had it in you, didya? Although I think Shelley may have topped your efforts. ;o)

Wish I could do something, anything. I was glad to get your text anyway, at least I know you're hanging in there.