Not coping at all

Things are just shit. I want to crawl in a hole and die. I left home for the Gold Coast, but everything down here is a reminder as well. We were only here 6 months ago. And I'm alone as my friend has to work. I've tried to shop, I'm looking but I'm not actually seeing.

I did some sleuthing last night on good old facebook and I put all the pieces of the puzzle together. I worked it out. He wasn't shagging a random when he was here on end of season footy trip, it was a mutual friend of ours from home. Who just happened to be down there the same weekend.

A 20 year old, ditzy, drugfucked girl, who's not even that attractive (not that that really matters I guess). He jeopardized EVERYTHING for a girl like that instead of me, mature, secure, successful career and business, and looks after herself.

He threw all that away.

When he and I took my cousin out between chrissy and new year for cocktails which I mentioned in an earlier blog, this 'friend' met us later. Talked to me like normal, acted like normal, the fuckhead acted like normal. I was to never suspect a thing. I never did.

He said to me yesterday that being with her was the biggest mistake of his life as he lost the person he has loved the most. Yet he kept in contact with her. He didn't think 'I can never see her again as she's helped me fuck up my life', he kept in contact.

She doesn't even live in town anymore, she's moved to Brisbane now, only lately. She's fucking lucky as I now know what I'm capable of in this state. I have never had such passion and force and feelings behind anything as hard as when I slapped his face on Monday.

What breaks my heart is a message on her wall from her friend "HEY! What's the verdict? You know who I am talking about! :)" Like it has all been pre-planned. He told me only today that he hadn't even spoken to the slut, that he hadn't really told anyone that we're over. He hasn't left his room in 2 days - poor fucking soul.

I feel like SUCH a fool as all his football friends and all their little groupies knew everything. Apart from HER, I never even met these people this year. It was a deliberate double life. DELIBERATE. He told me that one year of footy was not worth losing the love of his life. That's what it came down to - get involved with the wrong crowd. I thought he was better and stronger than that. He wasn't a sheep and coward. Fucking wrong again. All while I let him have his "boy" time and stayed at home. Giving him his own time that we both required.

They're both pathetic little people. I never want to see either of them again, EVER.

You know I'll be back, I'm at an internet kiosk so have to run (how sad I know I couldn't stay away and needed to see the gossip.)

Thanks again to everyones comments - I will get back to you personally one day.